I want to take you through my personal experience with infertility, my pregnancy, and the birth story of my baby girl. I include more details in the full episode, which you can listen to here. This journey was long, emotional, and filled with ups and downs, but it ultimately led me to a place of overwhelming happiness and gratitude. This is my story, and I hope it can help others who may be walking a similar path or offer some comfort for those going through their own struggles.
My path to motherhood wasn’t easy, and I acknowledge that not everyone’s journey ends in the same way mine did. Some women face far more complex struggles, and I recognize the deep pain of those who may not have a happy ending to their fertility journey. That’s why I want to frame my story with gratitude, never forgetting how hard the road was, and appreciating every moment with my daughter.
Infertility and the Diagnosis of PCOS
In the summer of 2022, I received a life-changing diagnosis: infertility. For over 10 years, I had struggled with irregular periods and unexplained symptoms, but it wasn’t until that summer that I was finally diagnosed with PCOS (polycystic ovary syndrome). This diagnosis made sense of so many of my struggles, but it also marked the beginning of a very difficult chapter in my life.
PCOS can be a tough diagnosis to receive, especially when you’ve been trying to understand your body for so long without answers. I had many moments of doubt—times when I didn’t believe I would ever be able to conceive. But, as I sit here now breastfeeding my beautiful daughter, I am filled with an overwhelming sense of gratitude. I believe every child who is born is a miracle and gift from God, and this little girl, who has been prayed for over so many years, is my miracle.
Infertility is an experience that can be isolating and painful. During my own struggle, I found it difficult to hear others talk about their pregnancies and children, especially when their words were negative or dismissive of the blessings they had.
Fertility Treatment
After my diagnosis, I began exploring options to increase my chances of conceiving. I became pregnant was Clomid (clomiphene citrate), along with other supplements and lifestyle changes, which I plan to cover in more detail in a separate blog post.
In December of 2022, after months of emotional exhaustion, I found out I was pregnant. It was a moment I’ll never forget—especially since it came during my last year of medical school, which was already filled with so much stress and uncertainty. I talk more about what it was like navigating medical school, residency applications, and pregnancy in an article that was published in Academic Psychiatry.
Pregnancy
I remember the first ultrasound, around 8 weeks, when I saw my baby for the first time. At that point, she didn’t even have a name, and I didn’t know yet that she was a girl, but I felt an overwhelming sense of joy and awe. There she was, already with a heartbeat and little budding limbs. It was a moment I’ll forever cherish. My husband and I created a baby, made in God’s image, who would someday become a child I would watch grow and have her own interests and then become an adult who could work toward accomplishing her hopes and dreams and having a family of her own.
But even in that joy, doubt lingered. Every step of the way I thought she was too good to be true, like something would go wrong at some point. I couldn’t help but wonder if I deserved this miracle. After all, for so many years, I thought I would never be able to get pregnant. I prayed every day for her continued health and development. Every moment of her existence felt like a gift.
During the first trimester, I was in the middle of my residency interviews and clinical rotations while dealing with severe nausea and fatigue, all day and every day. I managed with ginger, sea bands, and some Unisom at night. Thankfully, by 14 weeks, my symptoms started to improve, and the second and early third trimesters were far more comfortable.
My pregnancy, though challenging in the first trimester, was relatively uneventful overall. My main complication was being positive for group B strep, but beyond that, I received all the necessary prenatal testing, including NIPT, an anatomy ultrasound, and a glucose tolerance test for gestational diabetes—all of which came back negative for any abnormalities.
Despite always measuring on track as far as uterine fundal measurements go, I carried small and was able to fit into most of my clothes until around 32 weeks. I also continued running until I reached the third trimester. I started to become uncomfortable around 34 weeks, but I managed to dodge many typical late pregnancy symptoms.
Labor
When I reached 39 weeks, I had my 39-week appointment, where I was 1.5 cm dilated and 50% effaced. I also had a membrane sweep, which led to some cramping, but nothing that felt like true labor. However, by the next day, I began to feel what I would later realize were early contractions.
By the next morning, contractions were coming every 5-10 minutes. I called labor and delivery, but was told to wait until they were closer to 3 minutes apart. So, I went to work, seeing patients and writing notes, while timing my contractions. It was bizarre to be in labor while still working at the hospital, just a floor above the labor and delivery unit. After a few hours, my contractions intensified, and I knew it was time to head downstairs.
When I arrived, I was still only 1.5 cm dilated, which was disappointing, but they decided to keep me for another hour. After some monitoring, I was sent home, even though the contractions hadn’t stopped. I was told to come back when I was “doubled over in pain” and not as calm as I currently was. I was a bit confused by this since I was already in more pain than I’ve ever had in my life and I couldn’t imagine the contractions coming any more often than every 3 minutes. I am someone that is pretty stoic with pain. The staff said it was safe for me to drive myself home, but it was a struggle. I stopped by Target on the way home and bought some Tylenol, which I took religiously as often as I could that night but didn’t seem to make any difference at all.
That night was the longest night of my life. I was no longer able to sleep through my contractions. I continued to time my contractions and realized that I would fall asleep for about 3 minutes between contractions because I was so tired. I really tried everything that all the books and apps told me to do. When a contraction hit, I realized that trying to change my position always made it worse no matter what, so I stayed in the same position and just breathed through it. Despite being in enormous pain the day before, somehow the contractions did seem to be getting worse. It was so bittersweet because I was in so much pain, but I also knew that every contraction I had would lead to more dilation and lead me closer to the end and closer to meeting my baby. So I welcomed them in a way but was also miserable, in pain and sleep deprived, though luckily in the comfort of my own home instead of the hospital. I woke up a little before 5 am, and went to the bathroom to see a bloody show. This gave me the reason I needed to call again and ask if I should return to the hospital. This time, I was 4 cm dilated, which was enough for them to admit me. Again, I was pretty stoic about the pain, so the nurses seemed pretty surprised that I really was in active labor.
By then, I was ready for an epidural. I had been very focused on getting one since my OB-GYN rotation in medical school; I helped with over 12 deliveries, most of them epidurals except for one. The epidural deliveries were nothing like the movies. These women were able to talk between contractions like they weren’t in labor and were still able to push well but without the pain. But the one woman who didn’t get one made horrific screams. When her baby was finally born, she couldn’t even look at him and didn’t seem to care because she was in so much pain. I know it’s just one anecdote, but I didn’t want to have an experience like that for myself. So that’s why I was always biased towards getting an epidural, and this choice was easy in the moment to make as well. The process wasn’t easy, though—the anesthesiologist had difficulty due to my small spine, but once it was in place, the relief was immediate.
Delivery and Meeting My Daughter
When I dilated to 7 cm, they broke my water and started Pitocin. My contractions continued to increase on the monitor, but I didn’t feel them. A little after 3 pm, I was fully dilated at 10 cm, and it was time to push. I started pushing when I felt the pressure, which I still retained even with my epidural. I knew when a contraction was coming without looking at the monitor and without feeling the pain. I had my husband and mom by my side, and after 38 minutes of pushing, my daughter was born at 3:53 pm. The moment her head emerged and the rest of her body followed is a sensation I will never forget. She cried right away, and I could hear her strong, healthy voice filling the room. I was overjoyed to meet her and have her placed on my chest. She latched to breastfeed right away. It was a surreal moment—the birth of my child, an absolute blessing from God and answer to my prayers.
Lessons Learned from My Birth Story
1. Listen to Your Body
You have to listen to your body more than counting how often contractions are coming. I know that hindsight is 20:20 and this is close to impossible for a first baby. However, if I was able to work on that Thursday, I could've just gone home even though on paper my contractions were happening often enough for active labor.
2. Pain is Personal
Everyone responds to pain differently. I'm not a screamer. Just because someone appears calm doesn’t mean they aren’t in significant pain. It’s a problem when you expect a woman to respond a certain way. This experience has made me more compassionate as a physician, and I’ll be more empathetic toward patients.
3. Support Matters
Having supportive people around you during labor is so important. My husband, my mom, and my medical team were incredible, offering comfort and encouragement when I needed it most, especially coaching through contractions.
4. Don’t Be Afraid of an Epidural
If you want an epidural, get it. I knew I wanted one, but I still in hindsight wish I had asked for it sooner. It allowed me to enjoy the process of labor without the overwhelming pain, and it didn’t slow my labor down as much as I feared it might. I progressed pretty well with the epidural (and pushed for only 38 minutes). I also felt like my epidural allowed me to enjoy laboring more. I was still able to feel everything, just not the pain! That’s something the books I read on labor never told me. There shouldn’t be so much stigma about getting an epidural as if it’s no longer “natural”, like there is something terrible about that.
Conclusion
As I sit here, holding my beautiful daughter, I am reminded of how blessed I am. This journey wasn’t easy, but the reward is beyond words. I hope my story can offer hope or a sense of camaraderie to anyone going through their own fertility journey.